


Out Of Balance

by wendylesbiaburger



Category: Nimona (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post canon, Pre Canon, our fave Gay Disasters™, time jumps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 02:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15427512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendylesbiaburger/pseuds/wendylesbiaburger
Summary: Ballister's relationship with Ambrosius was both blissful and complicated. It made him happy but made him unsure of their future. It wasn't easy to say the least.





	Out Of Balance

**Author's Note:**

> So, funny story, I read and loved Nimona when I read it last year. And this month I read it four times so I figured fanfiction was a great response.

They hadn’t really ever said the words “I’m gay”. Ambrosius had made an idle comment where he asked Ballister if there were any maidens he liked. Ballister had awkwardly answered with a simple “no”. When Ambrosisus said it was the same for him, Ballister said quietly that he hadn’t really felt there was a maiden he would ever like. When that was in the air, Ambrosius was silent for a moment before saying “I don’t think so either.”

It was never meant to be a secret between them. It was just easier for the other heroes in training to not know. It was especially easier for the Director to not know. Ballister wasn’t one to care for her opinion but he knew how much her approval meant to Ambrosius. Maybe it was because he was an orphan and had no one. Not that Ballister was much different, he knew he was nothing but a commodity to his father. A way to get out of his gambling debt. But Ballister was the more critical of the whole Institute anyway, while Amrosius was far more compliant. 

Boys kissing boys, that wasn’t something the Director would be too pleased about. 

They first kissed before really admitting their disinterest in girls and that maybe they had feelings for each other. When Ballister was twelve and Abrosius was ten, they’d cuddle sometimes. Abrosius loved going on Ballister’s back especially since they had a small height difference in childhood. 

Girls never came up around knights for the most part. At least not around the younger ones. They were all usually too busy with training. It was enough for them to turn a blind eye at Ballister and Abrosius always going to the Antlered Snake after training, where they’d always hold hands under the table. No one noticed, people knew they were close after growing up together as lowly orphans. Their closeness was never questioned.

For the most part at least. Some days during training the Director would come by to observe the knights in training. Typically, Ambrosius and Ballister would pair off, Ambrosius always turning to him with a grin. But whenever they did go off as a pair, Ambrosius grabbing Ballister’s arm in excitement, the Director would stop them and direct them to other boys to pair off with. She’d scowl as she’d do it. Not that she ever didn’t look angry, but she did it with this looking in her eye where she was clearly snarling down on them. 

“She knows,” Ballister said one night in their room, after a training day where the Director borderline growled at them for pairing off, much to the confusion of the other knights in training. They lucked out in being able to share while training, although lately Ambrosius had developed the habit of leaving his bed and cuddling next to him in the small space. If Ballister wasn’t so fond of him, he’d have kicked him out of him a long time ago. 

Ambrosius’s head was rested on his shoulder, and Ballister held him around the hips. It was nice having their own room, it made small stuff like that easier to do without stares. As kids, it was easy to get away with it but no teenage boys cuddled like they did. It was just easier to keep as quiet about being together as possible. The Director gave them enough reason to. 

“I know,” Ambrosius mumbled with a sigh. 

Ballister bit his lip, and shuffled onto his knees. Ambrosius sat up, looking at him confused. 

“Well, who cares what she thinks,” he said and kissed his jaw. Ambrosius just frowned at him. Because they both knew for sure he did. Kissing him behind corners was the most rebellious thing Ambrosius had even done. 

Ambrosius had drawn his knees to his chest, and was looking anywhere but at Ballister. “What if she takes it farther?” he asked, his voice small like they were back at the orphanage and the other boys would bully him. 

Ballister pushed away the hair that had fallen in his face. Ambrosius was set on growing his hair long, and it had grown quite a bit over the past couple of years. He was definitely going to achieve his goal soon. “She’s not going to do anything, Ambrosius,” he said. 

When Ambrosius met his eye, he didn’t say anything, he just leaned over and kissed him gently. He kissed him back gently and he felt his small smile against his lips. 

“I really really really hope she doesn’t,” Ambrosius said when he pulled away for a moment. He’d stretched his legs around Ballister, and was rested comfortably against the pillows. 

Ballister chewed his lip and rested forehead against his. “I love you,” he said, because it felt worth saying. He’d first told him when they were practicing sword fighting alone and when Ambrosius took his helmet off to relish in his victory, Ballister couldn’t help but stare at him as his hair fell in his face, and the words came out before he realised. Ambrosius responded by tackling him to the ground and kissing him, and almost forgetting to say it back to him. 

“I love you too,” he mumbled back. 

They settled down so they were lying next to each other. Ambrosius nuzzled into his shoulder and Ballister drew him closer so their bodies pressed together, and their legs tangled together. 

He really hoped she wouldn’t destroy what they had.

…

Ballister wouldn’t say losing his arm, his boyfriend, his place at the Institute, and his ability to trust people all in one day was the worst day of his life, but it did make a close second to when his dad dropped him off at the orphanage. 

After his wound got stitched up, he was left alone in his hospital room. 

A piece of him hoped that Ambrosius would come, tell him it was an accident. Or maybe even get a sorry. It was this twinge of hope. Hope that he didn’t spend so many years loving someone he wasn’t. 

But he never came. No one really did, but he didn’t have friends outside of Ambrosius to be fair. Because he never needed anyone else, he hated the Institution but Ambrosius had always made it bearable. 

When he was discharged from the hospital, he wasn’t sure where was going to go. Going around with one arm was something he’d need to get used to. 

He didn’t necessarily want to go looking for Ambrosius, but he wouldn’t say he didn’t want to see him. Just to see if there was any sign of regret in him. But Ballister doubted it. He knew how much Ambrosius hated losing. Even to him, apparently. 

Maybe he didn’t want to see him. 

He’d just have to figure out his life. Somehow. 

…

The first time Ambrosius foiled Ballister’s plans, it was also the first they’d seen each other in a little over a year. 

“Nice arm,” was the first thing Ambrosius said to him. 

He didn’t look too different. Maybe a little more muscular. But he looked at him differently. Maybe the arm had to do with it, who really knew. 

“Goldenloin,” snapped one of the knights as he pushed Ballister towards him, readily handcuffed to be taken to jail. “Quit fraternising with the villain and do your job.”

He didn’t miss Ambrosius’s jaw clenching as he nodded and took hold of Ballister. “Right.”

Ballister knew the walk from the lab to the jail wasn’t too long, but maybe his dread extended the time to be twice as long. 

“Wouldn’t really put you as one to steal,” Ambrosius muttered. Maybe more at himself than at him. 

“Guess I changed a lot when you blew off my arm.” It came out bitter. Because maybe a year had past but his anger was still strong. That kind of betrayal was something he couldn’t just let go. 

That definitely hit a sore spot for Ambrosius. “It was an accident.” 

Yeah, he’d heard it enough. Not from Ambrosius directly, but that was what he was told by the Director when he was still in the hospital. He wanted to believe it, but he knew Ambrosius and he knew that there was no way it could be anything other than utter betrayal. 

“Yeah right,” he muttered back to him. 

“It was!” 

It’d be so easy to shove him off. To run and avoid being arrested for attempting to rob the lab. He was really just expecting to get a slap on the wrist and be left on his way. He didn’t even damage anything. He just wanted to show the Institute he was some sort of threat. They wanted him to be evil so he was going to be as evil as he could be, even if someone like Ambrosius wouldn’t buy it. 

After a moment, Ambrosius spoke again. “Did you make your arm?”

He stiffed a little. He had, that was the thing. It was still a bit of a work in progress but it was better than no arm. 

Ambrosius knew he loved science. He used to tease him about reading science books for fun. But he sounded impressed, and his eyes widened a little when he gave him a small nod to confirm his suspicion. 

He felt his hand drop from his hold. Ballister looked at him confused. 

“I’ll tell them you got away,” he said. 

He frowned. That sounded like a trap. But it could very well be trying to regain his trust. 

But he couldn’t. He seemed to be ready to play along with the Institutes games. He always had but it had gotten even worse. 

“Handcuffs?” he nodded to them. “Do you even have the key?”

Ambrosius paled and nodded. He took a key out of his pocket and unlocked the handcuffs. They clattered to the floor and Ballister met Ambrosius’s eye. He still wasn’t sure if this was a trap but this was still the smallest sense of rebellion. And he was doing it for him.

“Go, before someone notices,” Ambrosius said.

Ballister snapped back into reality and began to run. He just had to get back to his lair and then think of a new plan. 

Still, Ambrosius had a way of getting under his skin. He saw some resemblance of the boy he knew, just one more moulded into an Institute puppet. 

He hated him. He really really hated him.

But that was why he was so angry he still loved him. 

…

It didn’t happen immediately, but over time things got more and more tense between Ballister and Ambrosius. When Ambrosius became the Institute’s champion, and the Institute started to turn everyone against Ballister, and Ballister took his reluctant role as an evil villain. And that made Ambrosius his nemesis. 

Ambrosius seemed to forget about what they had, like what the Institute wanted and their games were more important. Ballister was okay with leaving it behind, he had when he woke up without an arm. 

But over the course of ten years, it became a cycle of Ballister coming up with a scheme, and when he went through with it, his plans were foiled by Ambrosius. And that became his life.

Over and over again, for ten years, that was his life. Not where he saw his life going, but the Institute hadn’t given him much of a choice. 

He’d tried his hardest to hate Ambrosius, but every time they saw each other, something in his gut would twinge. No, he couldn’t let go him betraying him. But he also couldn’t let go all those years together too. 

It was messy, but it also wasn’t them. Or what they were. Ballister wasn’t ever really sure what they had would last forever. Even before Ambrosius betrayed him, the Director’s disapproval of their relationship made it near impossible. Especially with how much Ambrosius wanted to please her. 

His schemes being torn down by Ambrosius became his only way of seeing him. It was a complicated feeling because sometimes when they went head to head, it was like the banter came naturally. He’d tried so hard to hate him, but it was like seeing each other would make them revert back to their old days. Sword fighting was barely a challenge, they knew all of the other’s tricks and Ambrosius seemed to enjoy it more than he should. 

It was a cycle, and he didn’t really necessarily enjoy it. And as much care he still had for Ambrosius, he couldn’t snap his fingers and go back to where they were. The system they were locked into made sure of that. 

At least until a shapeshifter with a certain amount of attitude changed that, and his entire life. 

…

Ballister didn’t exactly expect Ambroius to be kicking and screaming his name when he got back to his hospital room, but the sight of Doctor Blitzmeyer holding him down by his shoulders was what he saw when he walked into it. 

He stood frozen in the doorway for a moment. He looked in absolute distress, shouting his name over and over and his legs were kicking since Doctor Blitzmeyer could only pin his arms down. 

“Where is, Ballister!” It was coming out in a near sob, and that snapped him out of it. He tore of his spot and knelt to his side. 

He covered his hand with his own, and he noticed how clammy it was. “Ambrosius,” he said. “I’m here, it’s okay.” 

That stopped the kicking and screaming, and he felt him squeeze his hand in return. “Ballister?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Like he was unsure if this was reality. 

“Yeah,” he said back to him. “I’m here, Ambrosius.”

Blitzmeyer and that doctor were watching them, he was really aware of that. They were still holding hands, and he didn’t care if it came off as what they used to be. He didn’t even care if it furthered confusion around them and the public perception of them. All he could focus on was that even in a position where he almost died, Ambrosius still wanted to make sure he was okay, and that was the Ambrosius he’d loved – and still did.

He hadn’t meant to let his feelings slip to Blitzmeyer. He was in so much distress at that point that he couldn’t help but let it slip out. After trying so long to erase those feelings, or ignore them as best he could, the confession slipped out.

That was why he didn’t let Ambrosius say it to him before he went to fight Nimona. Because even though a piece of him knew Ambrosius still loved him too, he knew if he said it and didn’t make it out alive he’d have to live the rest of his life knowing the man he still loved had loved him back, he wasn’t sure how he’d be able to live with that. It was easier to save those kind of declarations for when they knew they were safe and alive. 

Holding hands for now kind of made up for it though. They could work out the complicated bits later. 

That’s what he hoped for as Ambrosius fiddled with his fingers at least. 

…

With the Institute in ruins, Ambrosius didn’t have many places to go. Ballister offered his home the first chance he got. 

He had kind of feared that Ambrosius would turn up his nose at going to a villain’s lair, but it seemed to be a relief for him. So when he was discharged and able to walk on crutches, they went back to his home. 

It was a little awkward, it had been over ten years since they had this kind of alone time together. They were still in the process of fixing things. Where they stood was still a question but neither of them had made an effort to actually talk about it. It was territory Ballister didn’t want to touch yet. 

He focussed on taking care of Ambrosius. He helped replace the bandages, and disinfect his wounds as best he could. He made sure he wasn’t on his feet too much, bringing him food and drinks when asked. 

Blitzmeyer did come by to help him out around the place. It was still a bit of a mess of what Nimona had left behind. That, and they had decided to make their own laboratory. Now that he was stepping away from evil, he needed to figure out what he wanted to do. He wanted to stay within science, and Blitzmeyer seemed like a good partner for it. 

She also seemed to be absolutely oblivious to how tense it was between him and Ambrosius. She offered to make tea for him, which Ambrosius had accepted with a small smile. 

When she left to go back to her own place, he and Ambrosius were left alone again. They’d only exchanged some words that weren’t out of necessity. Ambrosius also seemed pretty lost in where they stood. Where he’d even go when he recovered. They were complicated questions, ones that needed answers eventually. But he wasn’t sure what the answers were or what he even wanted them to be. 

He had to officially take off Ambrosius’s bandages anyway. He wasn’t sure how he was going to handle his reflection though. His face had been covered in cuts that had turned into pretty nasty scars. Ambrosius hadn’t really had the nerve to look in the mirror, and lucky for him he had minimal mirrors in his home. 

He walked into the room Ambrosius was staying in. A book was in his lap as he lazed on his bed. It reminded him of the orphanage, except Ballister would be the one reading and Ambrosius would bother him. 

“Ambrosius,” he said and he looked up at him. “Think it’s time the bandages come off.”

He looked at him for a moment before nodding. He sat next to him and gently unwrapped the bandages. The blood on them was minimal, and when it slipped away he was met with his scars. He was lucky that was all he came out with, small pieces of his ear going too. 

His hair fell into his face, and there were those familiar knots in his stomach. 

Aw wave of silence ran across them. They just stared at each other, waiting for the other to go first. 

Ambrosius was the one who broke the silence. “I like her.”

Ballister blinked at him. “Doctor Blitzmeyer?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Though she’s a little… erratic.”

“She is,” he said. “But I guess that’s her charm.”

He nodded, and cleared his throat. “So, are you two at all…” he trailed off, his words getting caught in his throat, as he looked at Ballister to finish his sentence for him. 

Ballister chewed his lip and shook his head. It reminded him of when they first had this conversation, when they listened to other heroes talk about taking maidens while they were left with indifference towards them. When they realised there were a few reasons why they didn’t have any interest. 

“No,” he said and shook his head. It felt like an obvious thing but maybe he had some fear that things had changed over ten years. 

“No?” he echoed, almost in relief.

“No,” he repeated. “Not my type, you know?”

He nodded. “I know.” 

He almost asked him why he would ask if he knew but maybe it was best he didn’t. They hadn’t had this kind of conversation in a number of years. Even then, they never really had it the best way they could. “I’m sure plenty of maidens were at your feet though.” 

He blinked at him. Okay, definitely a bad question. But he was overall curious if he’d been with another person since them. 

Ambrosius cleared his throat before answering. “I mean, yes, they definitely offered… but, no, I wasn’t ever interested.”

That he knew. But he knew he was popular, so he definitely had gentlemen callers at least. He assumed so at least. “Any knights or anyone?” he asked. Because it would be easier to know he had at least one lover since them. To know he hadn’t also been stuck on what they were. 

“Ballister,” he sighed. “I haven’t had a lover since… since us.” Abrosius’s voice was small. The words seemed to have caught in his throat. Not from embarrassment, but from the pressure of coming and admitting that. “Mostly because it was hard to find someone like us, especially amount the knights. But also because I never really… I never stopped loving you.” 

It felt like his heart was in his throat but it was also some sort of relief. He was the one to say it first, and while his nerves didn’t dissolve, knowing that Ambrosius felt the same way helped a little. 

“You haven’t?” he asked, and this time he smiled. Not many things made him genuinely smile, and Ambrosius was one of those things. 

He nodded. “Yeah.” His voice cracked a little when he answered, full of nerves. 

That made him realise that he was looking at him in sheer panic. That made him realise he hadn’t made it clear he felt the same way and he was leaving him alone with that confession. 

“I love you,” he said, a little rushed, and a little messily. But he told him and Ambrosius looked relived. 

“You do?” he asked. “Even after everything?”

He nodded. “I was mad at myself for a long time,” he said. “And this doesn’t really fix anything by the way.”

Ambrosius swallowed. “I know,” he said.

“But, it’s definitely a start,” he added. Because everything they recently went through helped. It didn’t erase the past but neither did their time apart. That past was important too. 

“Oh,” was all Ambrosius said. “So what do you want to do?”

He bit his lip and cupped his face in his hand. “Lets go from here and see how we go.”

He smiled and covered his hand with his own. “I like that.”

Ballister smiled and closed the gap, pressing his lips gently against Ambrosius’s. He kissed him back and drew him closer. 

It was nice and comforting. It was familiar. It was everything he missed. It made him almost forget that this was going to be messy and a little hard. But it was something.

Maybe they could never go back to what they were but maybe they could work things out from here.


End file.
